Pigtails and Playtime

There is nothing as therapeutic as writing in my journal. I wrote religiously as a child from the day I turned eight. It's always the best part of my day.

Outside my back window, two grade school girls are cleaning the sliding door in their back yard. I reminds me of Gracie and Sienna, Camlin, Kylie and Luke. I was their nanny this spring. Every day no matter what kind of snow I encountered, I was eager to go to work. Every morning they would stay close to the window waiting on my arrival. The minute they saw me their faces lit up and they wiggled about, unable to contain their excitement.

At Camlin Kylie and Luke's house, we spent the days building forts together that always ended in giggling pillow fights. My hair do never survived any of those. I picked them up from preschool and kindergarten most days. As soon as they got in the car they waved their construction-paper-cotton- ball artwork in my face insisting that I see it, all the while gabbing about the events of the day.

Those children had a way of needing me that still makes me cry sometimes, because they weren't actually mine to have. The day my job ended, I walked through my own door in tears because those children had made me whole. Their exuberant voices were now going to be a memory.

Then the a darling woman called, offering me a job to work with their two toe headed girls. My days with those darlings were spent blowing bubbles in each other's faces, playing hide and go seek and giving each other pedicures. Those two girls were like crystals I was afraid to drop. Their pure natures held more value to me than the rarest elements on earth.  I yearned to protect them under my wings.

They sang disney songs all day, played make believe with me and doted on each other. One afternoon while Gracie was at school, Sienna and I were playing make believe and she wanted it to be night time so I laid myself on the couch to close my eyes. She sat on my stomach, pink-ribbon-wand in hand, directing me, in her mousy voice, what to do next. Eventually she too wanted to close her eyes. The moment I could feel her breath evenly on my chest,  I felt like God had given me the purest gift. This tiny fairy-like creature felt secure with me! I wanted to squeeze her tightly and promise to move heaven and earth for her.

Her older sister was just as much of a jewel to me. The moment I met her she was wearing pig tails and I felt like I was looking at myself 25 years ago, full of apprehension for adults and clinging to the safety of my mother's arm. It was such a choice opportunity to be given the chance to fill Gracie with courage and a sense of empowerment. She had the beauty of frail self esteem, the way she counted on me to show her what she was capable of. I felt it my privilege to watch her bloom as I helped her with homework. One afternoon I watched her and her sister sing all the words to Frozen's theme song with arms outstretched, stomping on cue and nothing but sour notes. I huddled in the corner of the kitchen filming them with a giddiness I could barely contain. I prayed there on that cold tile floor that Gracie would never loose this exquisite ability to express herself without shame. When I walked out to my car on my last day with the them, Gracie and Sienna followed me, peppering the air with 'bye's and ' I love you's. I was already near tears as I sat in the driver's seat but what broke me was that as I began coasting down the street, Gracie began running to keep up.

My heart will forever be changed by the children I've doted on. Each of them are magnificent to me! They love without reservation. They forgive and forget in the same breath. They see the world as a frontier to be conquered and my goodness how they need our love! I pray every day that I can be like them in all their purity and vivaciousness.

A Freckled Book Nerd and His Tomboy

     When Ryan was born, there were many complications with his birth. He was her first baby and his mother was only 22 at the time. He was born two months early and his lungs were severely under developed. The doctors kept him on an oxygen tube and wouldn't discharge him.  

     

My grandmother, knew his mom as one of her daughter's friends. Grandma called her to check up on Ryan's health almost daily, becoming a mother figure for her. She gravitated to her motherly advice and found solace in her comforting words. Grandma suggested she and her husband take Ryan out of the hospital after six months and wean him off the oxygen with play therapy and love, within the walls of their own home. She did as suggested and Ryan thrived with the stimulation. To this day she thanks Grandma for her kindness and skill as a god-mother figure to him.

    

 Neither of us knew this at the time but Ryan's and my paths crossed when I was preschool age. 

 Our family routinely traveled 12 hours in a Hershey chocolate van to visit Grandma. While there one day, my aunt received her friend and newborn son, for a visit. He was shown off and cooed over while my aunt took pictures of him being exchanged between the adults.  

     Ryan grew up with his nose in the latest fantasy novel. He could walk up and down a flight of stairs never looking at his feet. He kept to himself all the time and never required much attention.  He was the oldest of five boys and learned to always look after the needs of those around him before he met his own. He has dark blonde hair and freckles like a red head. His jaw line is slender and slightly elongated angling squarely.  He wears thin frame glasses over his slate blue eyes.  

     He went on to serve a two year mission for our religion in Mesa Arizona and loved all the citizens he encountered, even those on the reservations. Now as an adult Ryan has acquired a Bachelor's Degree in Computer Programming, graduating as one of the top three in his class at a private university. He now works as a software developer. In his spare time he is fond of constructing programs for his own use and reading the latest fantasy novel. 

     Seven children were born to my parents and I am the third of four girls. The southern California coastline was a half hour from my house and I went as often as I could. My favorite sport in elementary school was soccer and instead of socializing in bathrooms, I ran out onto the soccer field to be the first with the ball. Over the years I learned the merits of Basketball and Volleyball, the latter quickly overshadowing all sports in my mind. Around that same age, my oldest brother refurbished a bicycle which I took around the neighborhood religiously every day, instead of doing my homework. 

     As I got older my active lifestyle was shunted by the onset of a heart defect quickly developing into congestive heart failure the summer of my freshmen year of high school. I laid in bed for nearly two months threatened by the idea that my body might not survive the wait for a transplant.  God had other plans for me though and I was lucky to receive a heart before it was too late.  

     Looking at death straight on certainly changed me though. My first year of high school, I was significantly more sober minded than many of my peers. I found quickly that I enjoyed the company of my mother's friends as well as my peers. As I aged into a varsity high schooler, my bubbly nature grew back and I drew many different types of people to me. I was friends with jocks, band nerds, art freaks, and drama and choir geeks. I had a quirky sense of style then, which I thankfully began to outgrow as a senior. My last year there I traveled with my parents and my little sister to Italy. Bernini's and Michelangelo's artwork ignited in me, a passion for art. I promised myself that I would travel throughout my life so that I could soak in all the art and culture to be had.  

     My first year of college my family took in a German exchange student who lived with us for six months. She and I developed a sisterly bond that has never broken these 14 years. We attended each other's wedding. I am her daughter's American Auntie and when I have children, she will be their German one. We talk often on Skype and Ryan and I hope to give our children each a summer with her for a taste of another's beautiful culture.

     As a college student I majored in Social Work. It was the best major I could have chosen because the course material was about learning empathy, good communication skills, and inclusiveness of other cultures. I came away with a love of Indian culture, Polynesian and various Asian cultures as well. 

     After graduation I served for a year within my religious temple providing meals and secretarial services to the leaders presiding over several counties. Then I moved, and within a year, met Ryan. He was freshly back into the college scene and still had his nose stuck in books. 

    We met at church after being asked to administrate the choir. I became the director and he was the pianist. His fingers tickled the ivory keys effortlessly and he could recreate almost anything he heard. His favorite types were songs by John Schmitt or Clyde Bawden. He was quite shy but always had a smile on his face when he would look at me (which always left me completely disarmed). His demeanor was more attractive to me than anyone's I had ever experienced. Being around him felt so peaceful! Ryan was handsome to boot! Needless to say, I fell hard for him and started devising reasons to stop by his home just so that I could see his face and get to know him. Eventually he started to notice me in return and asked me on our first date to Park City.

     Later, Ryan drove me to my sister's for my family's Thanksgiving holiday.  Both my parents were there along with most of my seven siblings and all were eager to get to know him a little bit better.  He sat next to Mom and she guided him quickly into questions about his life and interests. Ryan responded graciously. 

     After mentioning his last name, my flabbergasted mother exclaimed, ''Are you related to _______?" 

     After which he replied, "Yes, that's my mom. Do you know her?"

     "Yes! Yes!  I shopped at your parent's store many years ago!  My goodness!" She said. "You have such a wonderful mother!  She has always been so kind!"  

     From that moment on, my entire family gave me the stamp of approval to continue dating him.  

     He and I were married in June of 2010 and have been married for the last six, almost seven years. Recently we moved back to Utah from San Jose where Ryan was working for Google. After two years of being far away from family and not having a yard for future children, we decided Utah was a better place to be. Since then Ryan's found a job as a developer and I've started my own wedding flower business from my home. It's a dream come true to run Flowers By Jules because creating new designs, warms my heart every time. 

For the last few years, he and I have discussed different ways to build a family. With my new heart and the drugs I take daily for survival, I am urged not to bare children.  It's been a very difficult adjustment for each of us but we feel confident that there are children in this world who will come our way. They will need our skills and personalities. We are devoted to helping them thrive in our care.  

June 2010

Trip recently to Germany

Biking through the rustling trees everywhere!

Anyone played Pandemic before? It was pretty fun!

California vacation January 2013